The Idiot’s Guide To Everyday Life

20.Jan.07, 23:21 pm
Filed under: Rants, Tidbits About My Life

Why is it that a man and a woman can be in the same room and see everything in a totally different way? Especially when it concerns their relationship?

For the past six months I’ve tried to forgive and forget, but it’s tearing me up inside. He cheated. That fact isn’t going to go away. He thinks it’s all over and done with. He’s moved on, and he just expected that I had too. Unfortunately, it’s a hell of a lot easier for the cheater to move on than the cheatee.

I came out and told him tonight that I had been planning to move out when the tax money comes in. He looked at me like I’d hit him with a buick. “I thought things were getting better between us,” he said. “I thought we’d moved on from the whole cheating thing,” he said. “No,” I said, “YOU moved on. Things were better for YOU.” Meanwhile I’m miserable. He just doesn’t get it. He sees things through his own little telescope: Happy and sunny with no problems except finances. I see myself locked away in my room reading for hours on end so I don’t have to be in the same room with him unless we’re ignoring each other on our computers or watching television.

Indifference can be a many-splendored thing when you’re broke and don’t have a way to move out on your own. I simply stopped. I didn’t stop one thing, I stopped EVERYTHING. I stopped trying to be the emotional support system his mother always was. I quit trying to compete with his mother for a place in his life. I’ll never win. I quit trying to be a person as far as he’s concerned. All I’ll ever be is a crutch. He wants a woman who will cook and clean and coddle for him, like his mommy always did, and he wants sex. I quit that a LONG time ago. I just quit.

I’m tired of it all. I’m tired of having to fake sympathy for him when he stays up until 2 or 3am on his fucking video games and then feels like he has a hangover when he has to get up for work the next morning. I’m tired of having to fake feelings when he wants to snuggle up next to me when he’s finally finished playing on those damn video games. I’m tired of pretending that I’m happy. I’m not. NOT AT ALL.

From now on, I’m going to be me. Honest, direct, bitchy-to-a-fault ME. If he doesn’t like it, la-de-frikkin-da. I’m sick of rolling over. He’s going to KNOW I’m not happy. And when he acts like he has no clue why I’m upset (which he generally has no clue anyway… just him) I’m not going to hold back. I’ll be completely honest. I CAN’T STAND THE SIGHT OF YOU AND YOUR LYING ASS ANYMORE.

Maybe the truth really will set me free.


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