The Idiot’s Guide To Everyday Life

Madea’s Rules for the Buffet Line
25.Dec.07, 22:23 pm
Filed under: Funny Shit, Holidays

THE 10 RULES FOR THE BUFFET LINE AT HOLIDAY DINNER 1. If you are allergic to anything, get the ingredients before the buffet table is set. Don’t wait until you are in line and ask what everything is on the damn table! You will get punched in the head for that!

2. If you can’t walk or are missing any limbs, sit your a$$ down until someone makes your plate for you. Dinner time is not the time for you to be independent. Nibble on them damn pecans and walnuts to hold you over .

3. If you have kids under the age of twelve, keep them in the basement and bring their food down there. Tell them that they are not allowed upstairs until it’s time for Uncle Melvin to start telling family stories about their mommas and papas. If they bring their ass upstairs for any reason except for that they are bleeding to death, I will break a foot off in their ass !

4. There is going to be one prayer for dinner! JUST ONE! We do not care what you are thankful for at the buffet table. Save that talk for somebody who gives a damn. The time limit for the prayer is one minute. If you are still talking after that one minute is up, you will feel something hard come across your lips and they will be swollen for approximately 20 minutes.

5. Finish everything on your plate before you go up for seconds! If you don’t, you will be cursed out and asked to stay your greedy ass home next year!

6. BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!! Don’t let me catch you fixing yourself a plate in my good Tupperware knowing damn well that I will never see it again! If you touch my shizit, I will shoot you!! Hands down!

7. What you came with is what you should leave with!! Do not leave my house with anything that doesn’t belong to you. EVERYBODY WILL BE SUBJECTED TO A BODY SEARCH COMING AND GOING OUT OF MY DOMAIN!!!

8. Don’t leave your kids so you can go hopping from house to house. This is not a DAY-CARE CENTER ! There will be a kid-parent roll call every ten minutes. Any parent that is not present at the time of roll call, your child will put outside until you come and get him or her. After 24 hours, I will call DHS on your ignorant ass !!

9. BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU COME INTO TOWN!! There will be no sleeping over at my house! You are to come and eat dinner and take your ass home or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY GETS KICKED THE HELL OUT AT 11pm. You will get a 15 minute warning bell ring.

10. Last but not least! ONE PLATE PER PERSON!! This is not a soup kitchen. I am not trying to feed your family until New Years! You will be supervised when you fix your plate. Anything over the appropriate amount will be charged to you before you leave. There will be a cash register at the door. Thanks to Cousin Alfred and his greedy ass family, we now have a credit card machine! So VISA and MASTERCARD are now being accepted . NO FOOD STAMPS OR ACCESS CARDS YET!  


I want a man….
23.Dec.07, 23:18 pm
Filed under: Hopes

I want a man…..
v  who is strong… not as much physically as he is spiritually and internally and emotionally.
v  who recognizes that even though I am a woman and I appear to be weak on the outside…I am VERY strong on the inside, and my man will need to understand that and not try to take that away from me-that strength is what carried me through my many rough times…and if he ever leaves, that inner strength will remain.
v  who wants a woman that is beautiful and who enjoys being a woman, but understands…. that I have gone so long without the things I needed that I may need time to get to the place he wants me.
v  who treats me the way I should be treated, with respect and dignity…. and knows without a shadow of a doubt that I will treat him with respect and dignity as well.
v  who likes me for my wit, who can laugh at my jokes and feel like he can tell me anything…because he really can.
v  Who gets lost when he looks in my eyes because he is thinking long and hard about the connection and chemistry that we have…
v  who has a childish grin (almost a smirk) when he is thinking about the way I make him happy.
v  who wraps me totally in both of his arms so that I feel loved and secure (all the time).
v  who loves to kiss me…no, really kiss me, not just the kind kiss on the forehead, although, sometimes that will do at exactly the right moment….a man that knows when “that moment” is…
v  who is attracted to me even though I have given birth to two children and know that some areas aren’t as pretty as they could be….they are scars of love.
v  with charm, but mostly a man w/wit and humor…a man that likes to see me laugh and likes to pick on me to get my attention….I like the attention as well.
v  who is never boring, but can be quiet at times – tries to be spontaneous and tries to see the positive aspect of things.
v  who has a great big lovable heart – one that makes me gush and cry…
v  who loves bubble baths but knows when to draw one for me and light candles so that I can have a “calgon alone” moment after a trying day.
v  who doesn’t think “making love” is just a booty call even though I may call once in a while myself.
v  who goes slow and discovers all the parts of my body that like to be touched and kissed…and the ones that just don’t do it for me.
v  who doesn’t’ mind getting dirty but knows when to shower..and doesn’t’ make me remind him that he needs one.
v  who wants to take me out for fancy events…I like getting dressed up and feeling like a princess…but also knows that I love my jeans and flip-flops even more.
v  who will paint my toes but still knows that I love paying to have them done because it makes me feel pretty
v  who doesn’t snore and if he does, has enough class to kick himself out of bed instead of waiting for me to “lose it”….I refuse to sleep on the couch….
v  who likes to cook but not one that rules the kitchen and makes changes to what I am cooking…
v  who will argue but not become belittling….and loves making up even more.
v  who will work out w/me but not make me feel like I have to change one thing about my body or point to areas that do…
v  who will love me like I have never been loved…and know that just because I was in love before does not mean he should be intimidated or try to do it better.
v  who loves to talk and tell me stories because I want to feel a part of his world..
v  who is honest and not afraid to tell me the true facts instead of what he “thinks” I want to hear.
v  who actually “calls back” when he says that he will don’t leave me hanging – it never ends goods.
v  who is frugal but not cheap, but more than that…a man that is thoughtful about the way he spends his money.
v  who respects my dislikes, like camping, and doesn’t make fun of me because of it…I don’t like bugs, snakes, or mosquitoes…no!
v  who will allow me to have dreams and goals of my own but also knows that I love and respect him enough to allow the same for him.
v  who knows when I say “fine” – it is not fine and he should try and figure out what fine is…
v  who knows I don’t have high expectations but that doesn’t mean I have “no” expectations…
v  who appreciates beauty but doesn’t go searching for it elsewhere….I’m not kicking anyone’s butt to prove he’s mine.
v  who will rent movies and take me to see them but will not get upset if I get distracted and can’t finish one in a single setting.
v  who knows I love him but also knows that I love my children and they have 1st priority over my heart.
v  who knows I am very smart but is not intimidated by the success of the career that I will one day have.
v  who is not perfect and does not expect me to be either.
v  who is spiritual on some level, but not a religious nut, and doesn’t preach to me about the error of my ways – I do that enough for both of us.
v  who doesn’t expect me to be someone I’m not – who accepts me…. flaws and all…. and loves me anyway. 

The Great Weight Debate
9.Dec.07, 20:23 pm
Filed under: Goals, Hopes

Food is like sex: when you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good.
~Beth McCollister

I will readily admit that I am NOT comfortable with my own body. I don’t think I ever have been. Even back in my late teens when I was at my thinnest, I was never skinny. I was recently told that during that period I was closer to Rubanesque. I think the person who gave me that description was a bit overly colorful, but I’ll take it.

I am 5 ft. 2 in. tall with a large build. I got my mom’s height (she’s 5ft even) and my father’s frame (he’s 6’2″). According to my doctors, my goal weight should be 121 lbs. At age 12-14 I was around 140 lbs and a size 12. When I graduated from high school at 17, I weighed 123 lbs, making me a size 8-10. This was the closest to my goal weight I have ever been. Over the first 2 years of college, I gained about 60 lbs from medication and poor diet. When I was 22 and had my first child I gained another 60 lbs. I weighed 249 when I gave birth to Jaden. I lost 15 lbs when he was born, and stayed at that weight until I got pregnant with Jocelyn 4 years later. I actually lost 12 lbs while pregnant with Jocelyn instead of gaining anything. Since then I haven’t lost a pound of it until recently.

In the last 2 months I’ve lost about 20 lbs. This isn’t a big amount for certain when you look at the overall picture of what I need to lose, but it’s a start for me. It’s more than I’ve been able to lose in the last 1o years.  How did I do it? Cutting back and taking things in moderation. I’ve started watching carb intake and eating less in the evenings. Exercise has helped as well, although with my asthma I certainly haven’t done as much as I should.

I went down a size in jeans, which made me feel great, but looking in the mirror takes any joy I have from that weight loss. I still see me, the fat girl who needs to lay off the ice cream and has a veritable road map of stretch marks across her abdomen from having children.

How is anyone going to find me remotely attractive like this? When will I finally begin to see improvement in myself? How much does it take for a person to finally begin to love themselves the way they are? That’s the point I want to reach, where I can just be happy being ME.

A week from hell… finally coming to an end
6.Dec.07, 22:55 pm
Filed under: Holidays, Rants, Tidbits About My Life

For some strange reason, the first week of the month causes sheer chaos in the CSED. I get my cs/a like clockwork every other Tuesday, unless that Tuesday happens to fall before the 6th of the month. If that should happen, it takes an act of God or Congress to get it put through. It doesn’t matter that I depend on that money. It’s just not their concern if it’s not the 6th of the month yet. And they deny that they withold it!! That just floors me. “No, Ma’am. As soon as it comes in we will process it and send it out immediately.” Yeah, uh huh. That’s why it’s happened two months in a row when it’s been scheduled before the 6th and I’ve had to sit here and wonder for three days where the money is I need for bills.

The battery on the truck died this week. There’s $64 I don’t have to spend. Luckily Dale’s mom covered the battery until we got paid, or I would have had to miss school for 3 days in a row, and I can’t afford that with finals coming up in 2 weeks.

On a happier note, Dale and I have actually gotten along for the last few days, without a single fight. Amazing. He was given a free ticket to the Ozzy concert tonight in return for being the designated driver for Derek and Micah, who were already drinking before he even got off work. Hey, at least he’s not coming home drunk, that’s all that matters. Well, that was their PLAN. We’ll see what actually happens. I’m going to keep my fingers crossed.

Tomorrow, I’m going to have lunch with a good friend and make a run to Penn Square, which I haven’t been to in a couple of years. Maybe I’ll pop in at Sephora and have a facial while I’m there. Would be nice to be pampered for a day. I haven’t worn makeup in months. Haven’t seen the point. Maybe that would do me good. I plan to relax. Something I’ve needed to do for a while.