The Great Weight Debate

The Great Weight Debate

9.Dec.07, 20:23 pm
Filed under: Goals, Hopes

Food is like sex: when you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good.
~Beth McCollister

I will readily admit that I am NOT comfortable with my own body. I don’t think I ever have been. Even back in my late teens when I was at my thinnest, I was never skinny. I was recently told that during that period I was closer to Rubanesque. I think the person who gave me that description was a bit overly colorful, but I’ll take it.

I am 5 ft. 2 in. tall with a large build. I got my mom’s height (she’s 5ft even) and my father’s frame (he’s 6’2″). According to my doctors, my goal weight should be 121 lbs. At age 12-14 I was around 140 lbs and a size 12. When I graduated from high school at 17, I weighed 123 lbs, making me a size 8-10. This was the closest to my goal weight I have ever been. Over the first 2 years of college, I gained about 60 lbs from medication and poor diet. When I was 22 and had my first child I gained another 60 lbs. I weighed 249 when I gave birth to Jaden. I lost 15 lbs when he was born, and stayed at that weight until I got pregnant with Jocelyn 4 years later. I actually lost 12 lbs while pregnant with Jocelyn instead of gaining anything. Since then I haven’t lost a pound of it until recently.

In the last 2 months I’ve lost about 20 lbs. This isn’t a big amount for certain when you look at the overall picture of what I need to lose, but it’s a start for me. It’s more than I’ve been able to lose in the last 1o years.  How did I do it? Cutting back and taking things in moderation. I’ve started watching carb intake and eating less in the evenings. Exercise has helped as well, although with my asthma I certainly haven’t done as much as I should.

I went down a size in jeans, which made me feel great, but looking in the mirror takes any joy I have from that weight loss. I still see me, the fat girl who needs to lay off the ice cream and has a veritable road map of stretch marks across her abdomen from having children.

How is anyone going to find me remotely attractive like this? When will I finally begin to see improvement in myself? How much does it take for a person to finally begin to love themselves the way they are? That’s the point I want to reach, where I can just be happy being ME.

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