The Idiot’s Guide To Everyday Life


Madea’s Rules for the Buffet Line
25.Dec.07, 22:23 pm
Filed under: Funny Shit, Holidays

THE 10 RULES FOR THE BUFFET LINE AT HOLIDAY DINNER 1. If you are allergic to anything, get the ingredients before the buffet table is set. Don’t wait until you are in line and ask what everything is on the damn table! You will get punched in the head for that!

2. If you can’t walk or are missing any limbs, sit your a$$ down until someone makes your plate for you. Dinner time is not the time for you to be independent. Nibble on them damn pecans and walnuts to hold you over .

3. If you have kids under the age of twelve, keep them in the basement and bring their food down there. Tell them that they are not allowed upstairs until it’s time for Uncle Melvin to start telling family stories about their mommas and papas. If they bring their ass upstairs for any reason except for that they are bleeding to death, I will break a foot off in their ass !

4. There is going to be one prayer for dinner! JUST ONE! We do not care what you are thankful for at the buffet table. Save that talk for somebody who gives a damn. The time limit for the prayer is one minute. If you are still talking after that one minute is up, you will feel something hard come across your lips and they will be swollen for approximately 20 minutes.

5. Finish everything on your plate before you go up for seconds! If you don’t, you will be cursed out and asked to stay your greedy ass home next year!

6. BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!! Don’t let me catch you fixing yourself a plate in my good Tupperware knowing damn well that I will never see it again! If you touch my shizit, I will shoot you!! Hands down!

7. What you came with is what you should leave with!! Do not leave my house with anything that doesn’t belong to you. EVERYBODY WILL BE SUBJECTED TO A BODY SEARCH COMING AND GOING OUT OF MY DOMAIN!!!

8. Don’t leave your kids so you can go hopping from house to house. This is not a DAY-CARE CENTER ! There will be a kid-parent roll call every ten minutes. Any parent that is not present at the time of roll call, your child will put outside until you come and get him or her. After 24 hours, I will call DHS on your ignorant ass !!

9. BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU COME INTO TOWN!! There will be no sleeping over at my house! You are to come and eat dinner and take your ass home or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY GETS KICKED THE HELL OUT AT 11pm. You will get a 15 minute warning bell ring.

10. Last but not least! ONE PLATE PER PERSON!! This is not a soup kitchen. I am not trying to feed your family until New Years! You will be supervised when you fix your plate. Anything over the appropriate amount will be charged to you before you leave. There will be a cash register at the door. Thanks to Cousin Alfred and his greedy ass family, we now have a credit card machine! So VISA and MASTERCARD are now being accepted . NO FOOD STAMPS OR ACCESS CARDS YET!  

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1 Comment so far
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Alright already! Crumbs… I just wanted a damn vol-au-vant!

Comment by eggplantinspace




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