The Idiot’s Guide To Everyday Life

Second guessing
20.Jun.08, 06:05 am
Filed under: Tidbits About My Life

I’m tired of this. I’m sick of it, because I didn’t deserve any of this! I’m ready to just say “Fuck them all”!! I’m tired of hurting, I’m getting angry. I’m angry at the man who bruised and hurt me, I’m angry at my roommate for saying cruel things to me just because he was upset, I’m angry at someone I loved who lied to me point blank and is now causing me to second-guess everything else they’ve ever said to me. I’m also angry at myself for allowing it to happen and for giving a damn in the first place. I shouldn’t have to hurt so deeply over someone else’s actions.

I know I didn’t deserve to be raped. I had a couple of days of weakness where I felt ashamed and guilty, but I know deep down nobody deserves what happened to me. I know I didn’t deserve all of the cruel things that my roommate said to me. He was in a bad mood and I was available to take it out on. He’s tried to come around and apologize, and that’s all well and good, but he can’t just take his problems out on me when it’s convenient. I guess I’m having more trouble than I thought dealing with the one who lied. I didn’t deserve to be lied to. What do you do when someone you truly care about lies to you? And this isn’t just an innocent white lie, it’s a bold, in your face, point blank lie. I’m finding myself second-guessing everything that has happened in the last several months. How many other times would this person lie to me just so they didn’t hurt my feelings, or because they didn’t want to be honest about themselves or admit what kind of person they truly were, or simply because they didn’t feel I deserved the truth?

I value honesty. Once my trust is broken it’s hard to move on and get past that and have the same kind of trust for someone again. Now I’m feeling embarrassed for believing. I should have known better. Maybe they didn’t mean to hurt me with the lies, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. Now I’m second guessing not only what they said, but my own judgment, and therefore everyone else around me. I’ve got to stop this, but I don’t even know how to talk to this person about how I feel without making the situation worse or just making them mad, because after all of it, I still care for them deeply.


What is the meaning of this?
17.Jun.08, 18:29 pm
Filed under: Hopes, Tidbits About My Life

Breathe in, Breathe out
Align the cross hairs
Breathe in, Breathe out
Squeeze the trigger

For those of you who don’t know, I was recently raped. Don’t know how that feels? I’ve talked to a few friends about it, but my mother suggested I write a journal about my feelings to get it out. This is my journal, so here goes.

I can’t sleep. Well, I can, but not much. I sleep in 20 to 30 minute spurts, and then wake up either hot or cold and shaking. For the first couple of days after it happened I wanted to sleep constantly just so I wouldn’t have to feel, but now I can’t sleep at all. I feel like a zombie because of this and the amount of crying I’ve done, but it’s just something that will heal in time I guess, I hope.

I can’t eat, and when I try to eat to keep from passing out, I can’t keep it down. I’ve tried sticking with just bland stuff, like a piece of grilled chicken and some steamed rice for lunch, didn’t help. The stress and anxiety are causing non-stop nausea.

I can’t sit in my living room. Tried to watch a movie with my kids tonight, but ended up having a panic attack and ran out of there crying. My kids don’t know what happened, they’re not old enough to understand so I won’t tell them. I can’t explain why I keep crying.

I’m losing blocks of time. I’ll get up to go do something, look up and realize 20 minutes have passed and I’m standing in the kitchen with a cup in my hand and the other hand on the fridge door, no idea what I was doing. When I put the kids to bed at night, I’ll come in here to try to take my mind off things by talking to friends, and will look up when I get an IM and realize that an hour has passed and I was spaced out crying. I’m lucky the keyboard hasn’t shorted out yet. This is making driving scary for me, because I’ll start out to go somewhere and look up at a traffic light, not realizing I’d driven there, or I’ll just “end up” where I was going, on auto pilot. I sat through an entire green light in front of traffic yesterday and had no clue. I was just zoned.

The fear doesn’t go away. The bruises are healing, the scratches are healing. The tearing doesn’t hurt quite as bad anymore. The emotional trauma isn’t healing at all. It’s RAW. It’s FRESH. It’s debilitating… and I don’t know how to stop it. Right now, I’m still trying to shake the panic attack from being in the living room with my kids for too long. I can’t breathe. I can’t cope. The crisis hotline couldn’t help me, they just suggested their counselor who couldn’t see me until a week from Thursday, or to go to a shelter so I’m not here. I can’t take my kids to a shelter!!! What good are those people???

My mother said “all things happen for a reason”. I can’t find reason in this. What reason could there possibly be in my life for a man to do this to me? What good could come of this?

I need a break. I need a chance to clear my head. I need to get out of this house but where do I go? Who do I turn to? What do I do to make it stop?????

When is enough enough?
10.Jun.08, 21:40 pm
Filed under: Hopes

They say that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. Is this really true? I’ve looked at other “Survivors” of things and see the pain written all over their faces. I look in the mirror everyday and see the tell-tale signs of years of pain and unhappiness.

My question is, just how much can one person “Survive”? When do we stop surviving all of the things life throws at us? When do we succumb to the torture and become numb? I haven’t figured it out yet. I survive for my children, but I don’t survive for me. I don’t know how to stop hurting.

Is there anyone out there with a secret to this? And please don’t preach religion to me, that has never helped, and I’ve tried every brand of Bible-toting sales pitch that’s been thrown at me at one time or another.

I need something real. Something I can hold onto. I need love. I need someone who can love me. Please, let it be soon.