The Idiot’s Guide To Everyday Life

What is the meaning of this?
17.Jun.08, 18:29 pm
Filed under: Hopes, Tidbits About My Life

Breathe in, Breathe out
Align the cross hairs
Breathe in, Breathe out
Squeeze the trigger

For those of you who don’t know, I was recently raped. Don’t know how that feels? I’ve talked to a few friends about it, but my mother suggested I write a journal about my feelings to get it out. This is my journal, so here goes.

I can’t sleep. Well, I can, but not much. I sleep in 20 to 30 minute spurts, and then wake up either hot or cold and shaking. For the first couple of days after it happened I wanted to sleep constantly just so I wouldn’t have to feel, but now I can’t sleep at all. I feel like a zombie because of this and the amount of crying I’ve done, but it’s just something that will heal in time I guess, I hope.

I can’t eat, and when I try to eat to keep from passing out, I can’t keep it down. I’ve tried sticking with just bland stuff, like a piece of grilled chicken and some steamed rice for lunch, didn’t help. The stress and anxiety are causing non-stop nausea.

I can’t sit in my living room. Tried to watch a movie with my kids tonight, but ended up having a panic attack and ran out of there crying. My kids don’t know what happened, they’re not old enough to understand so I won’t tell them. I can’t explain why I keep crying.

I’m losing blocks of time. I’ll get up to go do something, look up and realize 20 minutes have passed and I’m standing in the kitchen with a cup in my hand and the other hand on the fridge door, no idea what I was doing. When I put the kids to bed at night, I’ll come in here to try to take my mind off things by talking to friends, and will look up when I get an IM and realize that an hour has passed and I was spaced out crying. I’m lucky the keyboard hasn’t shorted out yet. This is making driving scary for me, because I’ll start out to go somewhere and look up at a traffic light, not realizing I’d driven there, or I’ll just “end up” where I was going, on auto pilot. I sat through an entire green light in front of traffic yesterday and had no clue. I was just zoned.

The fear doesn’t go away. The bruises are healing, the scratches are healing. The tearing doesn’t hurt quite as bad anymore. The emotional trauma isn’t healing at all. It’s RAW. It’s FRESH. It’s debilitating… and I don’t know how to stop it. Right now, I’m still trying to shake the panic attack from being in the living room with my kids for too long. I can’t breathe. I can’t cope. The crisis hotline couldn’t help me, they just suggested their counselor who couldn’t see me until a week from Thursday, or to go to a shelter so I’m not here. I can’t take my kids to a shelter!!! What good are those people???

My mother said “all things happen for a reason”. I can’t find reason in this. What reason could there possibly be in my life for a man to do this to me? What good could come of this?

I need a break. I need a chance to clear my head. I need to get out of this house but where do I go? Who do I turn to? What do I do to make it stop?????


3 Comments so far
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Second, I urge you to please seek some counseling. I am certain there are mental health clinics in your area that will assist you on a sliding fee scale of no charge at all. You deserve not to go through this alone!

If you e-mail me I will call you myself!

Please take the first step to regain the control. If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for the munchkins. They deserve to have a mom that is wholly present for them!


Comment by Moodz4Modernz

I hope you are able to find some help and some peace. Even if it all seems too much, remember that you need to try to get well so you cna be there for your kids. Although not a praying person, I will pray for you.

Comment by Pat

You did not do anything to deserve this and it will get better. I was raped when I was 19. It does get better and you will start to feel better. You need to go get help and talk to someone. I hope you pressed charges. My mistake was I didn’t because I didn’t want my dad to know and to this day he still doesn’t. If you need to talk call me. Do this for those to beautiful baby’s that you love. I am here for you. If we had room I would say you could stay with us. Maybe when we move. Call me.

Comment by Michelle

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