The Idiot’s Guide To Everyday Life


Second guessing
20.Jun.08, 06:05 am
Filed under: Tidbits About My Life

I’m tired of this. I’m sick of it, because I didn’t deserve any of this! I’m ready to just say “Fuck them all”!! I’m tired of hurting, I’m getting angry. I’m angry at the man who bruised and hurt me, I’m angry at my roommate for saying cruel things to me just because he was upset, I’m angry at someone I loved who lied to me point blank and is now causing me to second-guess everything else they’ve ever said to me. I’m also angry at myself for allowing it to happen and for giving a damn in the first place. I shouldn’t have to hurt so deeply over someone else’s actions.

I know I didn’t deserve to be raped. I had a couple of days of weakness where I felt ashamed and guilty, but I know deep down nobody deserves what happened to me. I know I didn’t deserve all of the cruel things that my roommate said to me. He was in a bad mood and I was available to take it out on. He’s tried to come around and apologize, and that’s all well and good, but he can’t just take his problems out on me when it’s convenient. I guess I’m having more trouble than I thought dealing with the one who lied. I didn’t deserve to be lied to. What do you do when someone you truly care about lies to you? And this isn’t just an innocent white lie, it’s a bold, in your face, point blank lie. I’m finding myself second-guessing everything that has happened in the last several months. How many other times would this person lie to me just so they didn’t hurt my feelings, or because they didn’t want to be honest about themselves or admit what kind of person they truly were, or simply because they didn’t feel I deserved the truth?

I value honesty. Once my trust is broken it’s hard to move on and get past that and have the same kind of trust for someone again. Now I’m feeling embarrassed for believing. I should have known better. Maybe they didn’t mean to hurt me with the lies, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. Now I’m second guessing not only what they said, but my own judgment, and therefore everyone else around me. I’ve got to stop this, but I don’t even know how to talk to this person about how I feel without making the situation worse or just making them mad, because after all of it, I still care for them deeply.

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