The Idiot’s Guide To Everyday Life

27.Oct.08, 21:48 pm
Filed under: Tidbits About My Life

Ok, folks. I think I’ve borrowed Peter’s tapeworm. No, he doesn’t have a tapeworm, but he just quit smoking, so he’s been feeling the need to eat constantly. Now, suddenly, so am I, but I have no excuse.

I’ll have a snack, but it just won’t hit the spot, so-to-speak. I’ll have popcorn, but I’ll start wanting something sweet. I’ll have a cookie, and crave Tuscan cheese bread with olive oil and red wine vinegar to dip it in. Or gyros and hand-cut fries and cucumber sauce. Or, speaking of cucumbers, tomato and cucumber salad.

Why do I have all these munchy cravings? I’ve been eating healthier lately and eating well, but I am always hungry. What do YOU get munchy for?


Securing the Insecurities
18.Oct.08, 21:58 pm
Filed under: Tidbits About My Life

Insecurity is something I have struggled with for most of my life. I have always felt put down and not good enough, and therefore I felt I didn’t deserve anything. The problem with this is, I AM a decent person and I DO deserve good things in life, and it’s taking a complete mental retraining to get to the point where I can make myself believe it everyday.

This personal insecurity carries over into my everyday life as well as my relationships. At work, I have a hard time asking for a raise in salary because I feel awkward asking for something even if I have earned it. In friendships, I often get paranoid that the people around me are unhappy with me for one reason or another but instead of just coming out and saying it they’re all talking about me behind my back. In relationships, I get scared that I’m putting my heart on the line only to have someone turn around and decide I’m not the girl they want, I’m either too much effort or not worth their time in the first place.

Right now, I am blissfully happy. My life is going better than it has in years. I have a great job – my dream job, to be honest. I have a new apartment that is ALL MINE, I make the rules, I make the decisions, because I am the one paying the bills. I have an amazing boyfriend who genuinely loves me for me. I can be myself with him, as silly as I wanna be, and he loves it!

So why does my depression and insecurity keep climbing up? Because inside, I feel like I don’t deserve these things. I feel like at any second the proverbial “other shoe” will drop and I’ll lose it all. My boss, who is never in the office, could just decide I’m not doing a good enough job, which would cost me my apartment. I’m not really worried about that cos I’m great at my job. My biggest insecurity right now is about my relationship.

Peter is amazing. Absolutely perfect for me. He’s caring and understanding, but more than that, he makes me stop and think about things when I get stressed out or frustrated too easily. He makes me stop and take another look at the situation in a calm and rational manner and come up with a better solution than, “FUCK IT ALL!” He’s 37 and has never been married, though he’s come close. He’s never had children, though he loves them and wants some of his own. He’s the kind of man I’ve dreamed my whole life of finding. And somehow, in the entire world, HE found ME. And somehow, despite my millions of flaws, he sees fit to love me completely. My biggest insecurity is that he’s going to step back and take a look at me and realize just how messed up I really am, and decide I’m not worth it. I keep asking myself, “How could a man as wonderful as him possibly love a girl like me?” And you know what he tells me? “I don’t think I’m that wonderful, but I love that you think I am, and that you tell me I am.”

A charming, handsome, intelligent, witty, mature, responsible, secure man who knows what he wants in life and includes me in those hopes and dreams. And somehow, he finds it in his heart to love me. I’ll never understand it, but I am so grateful that he does.

A-moving we shall go
11.Oct.08, 20:53 pm
Filed under: Goals, Hopes, My Munchkins, Our Little Nest, Tidbits About My Life, Work

So tonight makes one week that I’ve been in the new apartment, and I’m loving it. I don’t have to deal with Dale at all. The kids and I cook dinner and eat together at the table every night then we clean up and do the dishes, before the kids take turns on who goes first taking their baths. I’m 2 miles from my mother and, in the other direction, a mile and a half from work. I have 2 grocery stores between here and work, and a branch office of my bank next to both of them. My children’s school is half a block away. The school has a Latchkey program that the kids get to stay at in lieu of daycare until I get off work that is cheaper than regular daycare, and they love it. We’re mostly unpacked, just a few boxes left to go through and a few minor things at the old house to pick up tomorrow, but it’s all coming together nicely. I even have new RED furniture!!! It’s so pretty!

I started my new job 2 1/2 weeks ago. I’m the paralegal for the Law Center of Oklahoma. It’s absolutely amazing!! I love what I do, and it’s the job I’ve always wanted. This is what I’ve been going to school for, and the experience I get here will help me get an even better job years down the road when I’ve finished school and decided where I want to spend the rest of my life. Life is going so well for us right now.

And then of course there’s the wonderful man in my life. Right now it’s a long-distance relationship, but we do the best we can, talking several times a day, and chatting all night. He’s the best thing to happen to me in a very long time. He makes me want to be a better me. He inspires me everyday to try harder and to be a better person, a better mother to my children, and a better employee at work. He brings out the best in me in so many ways. He’s so special. I truly adore him.

I will have a good life. I know this. I believe it. Things are working out for my children and I, and I will make them work, because I know that this is MY life now, I am not depending on ANYONE else, I am only relying on ME now, and I’m going to give us a great future.