The Idiot’s Guide To Everyday Life

Securing the Insecurities
18.Oct.08, 21:58 pm
Filed under: Tidbits About My Life

Insecurity is something I have struggled with for most of my life. I have always felt put down and not good enough, and therefore I felt I didn’t deserve anything. The problem with this is, I AM a decent person and I DO deserve good things in life, and it’s taking a complete mental retraining to get to the point where I can make myself believe it everyday.

This personal insecurity carries over into my everyday life as well as my relationships. At work, I have a hard time asking for a raise in salary because I feel awkward asking for something even if I have earned it. In friendships, I often get paranoid that the people around me are unhappy with me for one reason or another but instead of just coming out and saying it they’re all talking about me behind my back. In relationships, I get scared that I’m putting my heart on the line only to have someone turn around and decide I’m not the girl they want, I’m either too much effort or not worth their time in the first place.

Right now, I am blissfully happy. My life is going better than it has in years. I have a great job – my dream job, to be honest. I have a new apartment that is ALL MINE, I make the rules, I make the decisions, because I am the one paying the bills. I have an amazing boyfriend who genuinely loves me for me. I can be myself with him, as silly as I wanna be, and he loves it!

So why does my depression and insecurity keep climbing up? Because inside, I feel like I don’t deserve these things. I feel like at any second the proverbial “other shoe” will drop and I’ll lose it all. My boss, who is never in the office, could just decide I’m not doing a good enough job, which would cost me my apartment. I’m not really worried about that cos I’m great at my job. My biggest insecurity right now is about my relationship.

Peter is amazing. Absolutely perfect for me. He’s caring and understanding, but more than that, he makes me stop and think about things when I get stressed out or frustrated too easily. He makes me stop and take another look at the situation in a calm and rational manner and come up with a better solution than, “FUCK IT ALL!” He’s 37 and has never been married, though he’s come close. He’s never had children, though he loves them and wants some of his own. He’s the kind of man I’ve dreamed my whole life of finding. And somehow, in the entire world, HE found ME. And somehow, despite my millions of flaws, he sees fit to love me completely. My biggest insecurity is that he’s going to step back and take a look at me and realize just how messed up I really am, and decide I’m not worth it. I keep asking myself, “How could a man as wonderful as him possibly love a girl like me?” And you know what he tells me? “I don’t think I’m that wonderful, but I love that you think I am, and that you tell me I am.”

A charming, handsome, intelligent, witty, mature, responsible, secure man who knows what he wants in life and includes me in those hopes and dreams. And somehow, he finds it in his heart to love me. I’ll never understand it, but I am so grateful that he does.


1 Comment so far
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Shurrup gorgeous.

Right now though things are going well, you know they’ll get worse at some point. You dont have to make it happen. You dont have to hurry it up.

Be happy. Love your job, which youre good at. Love your flat which is pretty cool. Love your kids cos theyre funny. And hey, take advantage of every bit of support you can get sweetness.

Comment by eggplantinspace

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