The Idiot’s Guide To Everyday Life


Madea’s Rules for the Buffet Line
25.Dec.07, 22:23 pm
Filed under: Funny Shit, Holidays

THE 10 RULES FOR THE BUFFET LINE AT¬†HOLIDAY DINNER 1. If you are allergic to anything, get the ingredients before the buffet table is set. Don’t wait until you are in line and ask what everything is on the damn table! You will get punched in the head for that!

2. If you can’t walk or are missing any limbs, sit your a$$ down until someone makes your plate for you. Dinner time is not the time for you to be independent. Nibble on them damn pecans and walnuts to hold you over .

3. If you have kids under the age of twelve, keep them in the basement and bring their food down there. Tell them that they are not allowed upstairs until it’s time for Uncle Melvin to start telling family stories about their mommas and papas. If they bring their ass upstairs for any reason except for that they are bleeding to death, I will break a foot off in their ass !

4. There is going to be one prayer for dinner! JUST ONE! We do not care what you are thankful for at the buffet table. Save that talk for somebody who gives a damn. The time limit for the prayer is one minute. If you are still talking after that one minute is up, you will feel something hard come across your lips and they will be swollen for approximately 20 minutes.

5. Finish everything on your plate before you go up for seconds! If you don’t, you will be cursed out and asked to stay your greedy ass home next year!

6. BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!! Don’t let me catch you fixing yourself a plate in my good Tupperware knowing damn well that I will never see it again! If you touch my shizit, I will shoot you!! Hands down!

7. What you came with is what you should leave with!! Do not leave my house with anything that doesn’t belong to you. EVERYBODY WILL BE SUBJECTED TO A BODY SEARCH COMING AND GOING OUT OF MY DOMAIN!!!

8. Don’t leave your kids so you can go hopping from house to house. This is not a DAY-CARE CENTER ! There will be a kid-parent roll call every ten minutes. Any parent that is not present at the time of roll call, your child will put outside until you come and get him or her. After 24 hours, I will call DHS on your ignorant ass !!

9. BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU COME INTO TOWN!! There will be no sleeping over at my house! You are to come and eat dinner and take your ass home or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY GETS KICKED THE HELL OUT AT 11pm. You will get a 15 minute warning bell ring.

10. Last but not least! ONE PLATE PER PERSON!! This is not a soup kitchen. I am not trying to feed your family until New Years! You will be supervised when you fix your plate. Anything over the appropriate amount will be charged to you before you leave. There will be a cash register at the door. Thanks to Cousin Alfred and his greedy ass family, we now have a credit card machine! So VISA and MASTERCARD are now being accepted . NO FOOD STAMPS OR ACCESS CARDS YET!  

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The cutest things kids say
6.Mar.07, 10:39 am
Filed under: Funny Shit, My Munchkins

Yesterday I was picking up the kids from the daycare. Our daycare has an awning over the front door area and two posts at the front of it with concrete around the bottom. Everyday, Jaden jumps up on the concrete and swings on the pole like a monkey. I tell him everytime to get down. Yesterday’s converstation:

Me: “Jaden, everyday I tell you not to swing on that thing, and everyday you do it.”
Jaden: “I know….. Ain’t it great?”

Last night, Josie woke up and came in the living room where I was finishing up watching Stranger than Fiction. She climbed up into my lap and snuggled there with me.

Me: “You’re my precious little girl.”
Josie: “And I’m SOOOOO Beautiful!”

Then, I took her in my room and snuggled her up with me so she’d go back to sleep. While I was holding her:

Me: “My baby girl.”
Josie: “Mommy, I’m not a baby girl. I’m a Princess Big Girl.”

Me: “My Princess.”
Josie: “That’s good. Now let’s say it again….”



Funny how things change
24.Jul.06, 13:44 pm
Filed under: Friends & Fam, Funny Shit, Rants, Tidbits About My Life

Last night Dale and I were curled up in bed snuggling and talking, and the cat was going nuts in the hallway, running into things. He looked over and said, “That cat is on crack.” I joked with him and said, “But Honey, I told you not to leave your stash out where she could get into it. Maybe you should take it over there and share some of it with your mother.” He said, “That might be a good idea, maybe it would mellow her out a little bit. I’ll have to try that.”

LMAO

I love Dale. We have our moments where we want to strangle each other, and we’ve fought a lot lately, but we always come back to each other and make up for things, because when it comes down to it, we love each other, and always will. He’s finally gotten to the breaking point with his psycho mother. He’s seen her for who she really is- neurotic, controlling, and in serious need of hormones, or drugs or something.

She’s pushed away her stepsons, and now, her own son has come to that point too. He told me last night the blog thing was probably his fault because he’d mentioned it to her about 3 weeks ago when I had just gotten back from Dallas and we’d really been fighting a lot. It took her 3 weeks to get online and read it? And she never looked at our wedding site when we were still planning it, what in the hell would make her need to check it out NOW, 2 weeks after we cancelled it?? Nothing but nosiness. Gotta love people with nothing better to do.

This morning I asked him if he wanted to talk to her about her BS and he said, “No, let’s just let her stew for a while. I don’t want to talk to her.” Funny. Her crap didn’t tear us apart, it made us stronger, because it showed him what he would be staying here for.

When you are on the outside looking in, you see things way more clearly. It took him being out of her house for almost 3 years to see her for what she is. I’m glad he has stopped taking her crap. Maybe now we can move on with life together.



jACK & jILL
20.Jul.06, 13:41 pm
Filed under: Funny Shit

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat.

He says “Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, “Here – try these on.”She did, and said, “These are too big, I can`t wear them. ” I replied, “…exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. ” Ever since that night we have never had any problems.

“Hmmm,” says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try.

So on his honeymoon Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, “Here try these on.”

She does and says, “These are too large, they don`t fit me.” So Jack says, “…exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don`t want you to ever forget that.”

Jill says nothing; she takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says, “Here, try on mine.” So he does and says, “I can`t get into your pants.”

Jill says, “…exactly. And if you don`t change your ‘smartass attitude’ you never will.”



My night at The Loony Bin…. and then some.
3.Jun.06, 20:53 pm
Filed under: Friends & Fam, Funny Shit, Tidbits About My Life

Last night I went out with my best friend, Sara, and her husband Mike to The Loony Bin Comedy Club. We had dinner at Chelino's on the way there – had to see their fave gay Mexican waiter – and then went for some laughs. We had a great time at the club, but at 1am, none of us were ready to head home yet. Bored in OKC. Oh joy.

I'd never been to a strip club before. They decided they needed to remedy that situation. You must understand, I'm not shy myself, but I just don't feel the need to stare at strangers in the nude, unless it's on a screen in the privacy of my own home. Sara let Mike pick the place – we were all pretty short on cash, so we wanted someplace with no cover – and he chose what is probably the seediest joint in OKC. Valley of the Dolls on SE 59th. Only a few blocks from their house.

We walked in and the girl on stage, I shit you not, had a fat roll tucked into her g-string. Ewwwwww! I would have been perfectly happy walking in, and walking straight through to the exit, but they found a table and Sara and I got a drink. Another of the worst candidates for stripperdom I'd ever seen strolled up and asked us if we'd donate $1 to their music. We all said no, but then Sara & Mike told her it was my first time in a stripclub, so she proceeded to dance for me….. omfg. I could have gone all day and part of the next without that and been perfectly fine. She sat on my lap, right on my pocket, and I had my inhaler in it. I"m sure she hurt her ass, but didn't say anything. I laughed.

Mike and Sara finished smoking and we got up to leave. She told me in Dallas, the girls in the stripclubs at least wore makeup, fixed their hair up nice, and weren't fat like that. She has promised to take me to a REAL stripclub someday. LOL This is sad, considering I"m 5 yrs older than her.

Maybe one day I'll be as experienced as the younger kids! LMFAO



The Professional Bondage Experts at Fisher Price
1.Jun.06, 18:50 pm
Filed under: Funny Shit, My Munchkins, Rants

Why is it that most toys you buy for your children require an Engineering degree from MIT to open them?

My daughter loves My Little Pony, so she got the Pretty Petal Pony Parlor (too many p’s) for her birthday last week. It took a box knife, a blow torch, 2 buzz saws and the jaws of life to remove it from its packaging. I got a “Pretty Petz” for my friend Sara’s daughter, and I think they actually had to back over it in the truck to get it open.

Note to toy manufacturers: When the instructions that come in 5 languages are just to tell you how to get it out of the box…. it’s WAY TOO MUCH!!

When they come out with a Barbie Ball-gag, I will assume my suspicions are correct, they are hiring people proficient in the bondage arts to package the toys at Mattell and Fisher Price.



Dear Alcohol
27.May.06, 20:04 pm
Filed under: Funny Shit

Current mood: amused

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I’m a huge fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you’re even around in the holiday’s hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we’re stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.

However, lately I’ve been wondering about your intentions.

While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I’m an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you’re subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It’s completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening’s debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable! My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You’ve been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter and the needed companion when I just don’t know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I! ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your biggest fan

P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn’t. No one wants to hear me sing.

Currently listening :
Why You Wanna? Pt.1
By T.I.
Release date: By 15 June, 2006