The Idiot’s Guide To Everyday Life


Madea’s Rules for the Buffet Line
25.Dec.07, 22:23 pm
Filed under: Funny Shit, Holidays

THE 10 RULES FOR THE BUFFET LINE AT HOLIDAY DINNER 1. If you are allergic to anything, get the ingredients before the buffet table is set. Don’t wait until you are in line and ask what everything is on the damn table! You will get punched in the head for that!

2. If you can’t walk or are missing any limbs, sit your a$$ down until someone makes your plate for you. Dinner time is not the time for you to be independent. Nibble on them damn pecans and walnuts to hold you over .

3. If you have kids under the age of twelve, keep them in the basement and bring their food down there. Tell them that they are not allowed upstairs until it’s time for Uncle Melvin to start telling family stories about their mommas and papas. If they bring their ass upstairs for any reason except for that they are bleeding to death, I will break a foot off in their ass !

4. There is going to be one prayer for dinner! JUST ONE! We do not care what you are thankful for at the buffet table. Save that talk for somebody who gives a damn. The time limit for the prayer is one minute. If you are still talking after that one minute is up, you will feel something hard come across your lips and they will be swollen for approximately 20 minutes.

5. Finish everything on your plate before you go up for seconds! If you don’t, you will be cursed out and asked to stay your greedy ass home next year!

6. BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!! Don’t let me catch you fixing yourself a plate in my good Tupperware knowing damn well that I will never see it again! If you touch my shizit, I will shoot you!! Hands down!

7. What you came with is what you should leave with!! Do not leave my house with anything that doesn’t belong to you. EVERYBODY WILL BE SUBJECTED TO A BODY SEARCH COMING AND GOING OUT OF MY DOMAIN!!!

8. Don’t leave your kids so you can go hopping from house to house. This is not a DAY-CARE CENTER ! There will be a kid-parent roll call every ten minutes. Any parent that is not present at the time of roll call, your child will put outside until you come and get him or her. After 24 hours, I will call DHS on your ignorant ass !!

9. BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU COME INTO TOWN!! There will be no sleeping over at my house! You are to come and eat dinner and take your ass home or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY GETS KICKED THE HELL OUT AT 11pm. You will get a 15 minute warning bell ring.

10. Last but not least! ONE PLATE PER PERSON!! This is not a soup kitchen. I am not trying to feed your family until New Years! You will be supervised when you fix your plate. Anything over the appropriate amount will be charged to you before you leave. There will be a cash register at the door. Thanks to Cousin Alfred and his greedy ass family, we now have a credit card machine! So VISA and MASTERCARD are now being accepted . NO FOOD STAMPS OR ACCESS CARDS YET!  



A week from hell… finally coming to an end
6.Dec.07, 22:55 pm
Filed under: Holidays, Rants, Tidbits About My Life

For some strange reason, the first week of the month causes sheer chaos in the CSED. I get my cs/a like clockwork every other Tuesday, unless that Tuesday happens to fall before the 6th of the month. If that should happen, it takes an act of God or Congress to get it put through. It doesn’t matter that I depend on that money. It’s just not their concern if it’s not the 6th of the month yet. And they deny that they withold it!! That just floors me. “No, Ma’am. As soon as it comes in we will process it and send it out immediately.” Yeah, uh huh. That’s why it’s happened two months in a row when it’s been scheduled before the 6th and I’ve had to sit here and wonder for three days where the money is I need for bills.

The battery on the truck died this week. There’s $64 I don’t have to spend. Luckily Dale’s mom covered the battery until we got paid, or I would have had to miss school for 3 days in a row, and I can’t afford that with finals coming up in 2 weeks.

On a happier note, Dale and I have actually gotten along for the last few days, without a single fight. Amazing. He was given a free ticket to the Ozzy concert tonight in return for being the designated driver for Derek and Micah, who were already drinking before he even got off work. Hey, at least he’s not coming home drunk, that’s all that matters. Well, that was their PLAN. We’ll see what actually happens. I’m going to keep my fingers crossed.

Tomorrow, I’m going to have lunch with a good friend and make a run to Penn Square, which I haven’t been to in a couple of years. Maybe I’ll pop in at Sephora and have a facial while I’m there. Would be nice to be pampered for a day. I haven’t worn makeup in months. Haven’t seen the point. Maybe that would do me good. I plan to relax. Something I’ve needed to do for a while.



Bah Humbug
23.Nov.07, 14:15 pm
Filed under: Friends & Fam, Holidays

Thanksgiving was fairly decent in and of itself. I took the kids to my aunt Margo’s house and we had a nice dinner with 5 generations of our family – 25 of our closest relatives. It was pretty good.

Unfortunately, my aunt and mother decided to plan Christmas dinner at the same time. Because my aunt and uncle are going to be out of town for the weekend just prior to Christmas, they want to have our family gathering on Saturday the 15th. I tried to tell them I would be out of town on that weekend, I already had plans made a month ago, and can’t change my tickets. They just looked at me like I was speaking Japanese, and kept planning. It has to be planned around everyone else’s schedules, but who gives a damn that I can’t make it? Not a one of them apparently. Thus reinforcing my belief that I’m officially the black sheep of our family.

I can’t go to STL the weekend before, because my mother will be graduating from Grad School on the 8th. I can’t go the week after because it’s the weekend before Christmas, which is when the entire rest of civilization will be having their family gatherings, like normal ppl. So my only option is to skip Christmas this year. Guess I’ll just have to hear about it from Dale and the kids.



What more can they do????? This.
21.Dec.06, 17:34 pm
Filed under: Holidays, Rants, Work

Now that I no longer have a job, the place I was working for as a temp database manager is trying to screw me just a little harder for Christmas. Thank you, but you could have used some lube!

They “couldn’t find” my time sheet, and I just find this out the day before I was supposed to go get my paycheck- thank God I called the temp office to make sure it had been submitted!! So now, 3 days till Christmas, I’m going to have to get an advance of 70% of the pay they owe me “because they don’t know how much to withhold for taxes”. To me, that is complete bullshit, because if the person who handles the advance is the same person who handles the paychecks in the first place, they know how much to withhold!!! HOW MUCH MORE CAN THESE PEOPLE FUCK ME OVER????

Lovely holidays…. Hope yours are better than mine!



Had a semi-decent day after all

What I thought was going to be a shitty day turned out halfway decent after all.

I started at breakfast with one of my best friends this morning at IHOP. I got there at 10 till 9am, and he didn’t show up till after 9:30. I had the meeting time confused, so it wasn’t really his fault, but when I thought I’d been stood up, I was a little depressed. I had 4 bites left of my pancakes when he got there. So we went from there to the mall and I was spoiled rotten for my Christmas gift- a ruby & diamond pendant AND a sapphire and diamond pendant with very delicate gold chains. (I’m going to have to get longer chains for both, because of my troll-size neck, but they’re BEAUTIFUL!) I wasn’t expecting anything like that for Christmas, but I was so amazed!!

I got the rest of the money I needed to pay the electric bill today and ended up being able to do a little of my Christmas shopping. I got Josie’s stuff and then went to the electronics dept at Wam-a-lart to shop for games for Jaden, but the sales girls there were complete bitches. I asked for the keys, and one girl said, “I’ll get them right now.” She sent someone else to get them, and when she got back, I was standing right there waiting for her, and 3 other people jumped in front of the cash register so she just started checking them out and completely ignored me. I waited 15 minutes and she still kept helping other people, so finally I said, rather rudely, “Forget the keys, I’ll just do my shopping elsewhere,” and left. Fuck her. She doesn’t deserve my business.

So I’m going to EB Games tomorrow to check out their selection. I might be able to get the game I was going to get for him cheaper there anyway, so I can afford to get more than one or two for him. I hope he likes his presents this year.

Josie and I had a girly-girl afternoon today. She is enthralled with the lip gloss I got her yesterday. She has to put it on every 5 to 10 minutes now, and had to have a makeup case to put it in, so I gave her one of my old ones. So today, I took out my train case and got my face illuminator cream and put a tiny bit on her like foundation, then some powder, and a tiny bit of PALE pink blush, and some very pale pink and lavender eyeshadow, and then some pearly pink lip gloss on her. She went and looked in the mirror and has been running around like a little beauty queen diva ever since. It’s adorable to watch her. Now she wants to put on a pretty dress and do her hair too! How did I ever end up with such a girly girl?????? She’s such a doll. And a prissy little lady sometimes too, hehe. We watched an American Girl movie after the makeup session and had snuggly girl time together. Jaden has been out playing with his friends all day, so this was her treat. I love having our special time together. She’s my little princess, I just adore her.

Now the kids are playing with trucks in the kitchen floor. They’re having fun racing and then slamming them into one another. At least they’re laughing and not fighting. I like it when they can play together and get along instead of being jealous of one thing or another all the time. More often than not, one of them is whining and the other one is screaming and they’re blaming each other for something. Times like this, even when they’re loud, are a blessing.

Well, back to laundry I go. My house is actually clean for a change. My kitchen is very clean, the living room is clean, and my laundry is almost finished. I just need to do the bathrooms again and my bedroom and make the kids tidy up theirs. They’ve been fairly decent since I reorganized them about a month ago, but I never had time to do my own, so hopefully this week I’ll have a little time to catch up. It’s a never-ending battle here. Oh well, such is life!



My Christmas shopping was just nulled
15.Dec.06, 22:10 pm
Filed under: Holidays, Rants, Tidbits About My Life, Work

Why is it that everytime I get a new job my kids get sick??? I had to take today off to be here while my daughter was projectile vomiting and I lost my job. ONE DAY OFF!!! And I lost my job. This fucking sucks. Right before Christmas. Everytime I start thinking money problems are finally going to be ok, something like this happens. I have to pay bills, I lack $30 to make my electric bill in my checking account, and now I just looked in my Christmas money stash and I only have $65, so if I take it out of there, we get no presents for the kids at all this year. What the hell????

My daughter wants a TJ Bearytales for Christmas. My son wants videogames. What in the hell am I going to do for them? I can smile and say Merry Christmas, but it’s not going to make them feel better when all of their friends have presents and they have nothing under the tree and nothing in their stockings.

I’m losing it. I need help. This is bullshit. It always ends up this way around Christmas. Christmas officially sucks in my book. Bah Humbug.



Nothing worse than sick kids
15.Dec.06, 08:56 am
Filed under: Friends & Fam, Holidays, My Munchkins, Our Little Nest

My babies are sick. I guess I shouldn’t call them babies anymore, they’re 7 and 3, but to me, they’ll always be my babies. They’ve both had bad colds, and I took them to the doctor on Tuesday morning, and he said Jaden’s is trying to turn into bronchitis and Josie’s is causing infections in both ears. Joy.

Josie is on sulfameth (antibiotic) and I’m worried that she’s having a reaction to it. I give it to her every night, and then every night before bed she projectile vomits! Jeff is allergic to Sulfa, so I’m worried that she’s inherited his allergy, along with his ghostly paleness and red hair. I’m taking this morning off from work again and taking her back to the dr, or seeing if he’ll call in a different prescription for her. Poor little thing, even if I give her cough syrup, she throws it up immediately. I don’t know what else to do for her, and it kills me.

Jaden is doing better. He’s on a different antibiotic, and he takes pills, so he’s coughing less and feeling better. He’s been running around and playing at daycare in the afternoons after school, so I’m sure he’s fine. I tried to get him dressed for school Wednesday morning and could only find 1 pair of pants that fit, so I went to Old Navy on my lunch hour and got him 3 new outfits and 1 for Josie. He’s in heaven. He loves getting new stuff. Dale’s mom got Josie a new pink faux-fur coat. He got jealous, but she gave him his coat a  month ago when it first turned really cold. She also got him new Skechers and some new shirts and an outfit at Kohl’s, so he’s got to get over this jealous streak.

Meanwhile, Josie won’t take her coat off once it’s on. Yesterday, Miss Heather at daycare had to tell her that if she wouldn’t take it off to eat her breakfast she was going to get milk and cereal down the front of it and it would be nasty, so she took it off, but made them hang it on the back of her chair and put it right back on when she was finished. It’s a little too big for her, but she doesn’t care. The hood is big enough that she can hide her whole head under it, so she plays peek-a-boo under it. “Look mommy, I’m under HERE!” Jaden told her she looked like a little pink polar bear, and she said, “No, I’m a pink bunny rabbit.” She’s too cute. I’ve got to steal my batteries back from Dale’s 360 controller to put in my digi camera so I can take pics of her in it.

My kids are the best, even when they get their attitudes, I wouldn’t know what to do without them. My favorite role in life is being a mom. I love nothing more than snuggling up with them at night and Jaden and I work on teaching Josie new numbers. She counts to 15 on her own, but every night we go up 5 more and count with her over and over until she learns them on her own. Jaden is proud to be helping to teach his little sister. He got all A’s and 1 B+ on his report card 2 weeks ago!!! I was so proud of him!!!! His B+ was in reading, and he’s been improving by leaps and bounds in reading in the last few weeks. He reads anything you put in front of him. Even signs and such as we go down the road, he’ll sound it out until he gets it right. He’s like I was when I was little, he reads boxes and papers in front of him when he sits down anywhere. He loves new words.

I’m going to do my Christmas Shopping tomorrow. I know, I’m behind, but I’m getting my first paycheck from my new job tomorrow, I got paid from the schools on Wednesday (for OCTOBER!) and I got child support in on Wednesday also, so I actually have money to shop with this weekend. I just hope Wal-Mart or Toys-R-Us has at least ONE TJ Bearytales left. Josie will be VERY unhappy if they don’t. Jaden has been begging for a dirtbike. I told him to be realistic, he said, “Ok, an electric dirtbike.” I said, “You’re 7, think again.” I will probably be getting him a dirtbike or motorcycle game for his xbox, and a few more games to go with it. Since Dale got his 360, Jaden gets to have the old xbox in his room, so he needs more games on his level.

Hopefully, it won’t be TOOOOOO crowded this weekend when I go to the mall, but I doubt I’ll get that wish. It’s a week before Christmas. Everyone will be out in droves doing the same thing I am. At least Dale will be here with the kids, so I’ll get a little peace and quiet. I’m also going to have my presents wrapped at the mall, so they’ll be ready to just put under the tree when I get home. Screw the wrapping paper and bows…. I’m not messing with it. The kids or the cat would be all over it. I think I’m also going to take the kids to JC Penney or Sears to have pics taken with them this weekend as well. I haven’t had a picture taken of the three of us EVER. I’m such an awful parent, but I hate having my picture taken. I’m not photogenic. I just want a pic with my kids though. It’s time.